Have I settled in?

Every time I speak to someone from Singapore or anywhere else from home, their greeting would come along with "Hope you've settled in" or questions like "Dah rasa serasi tak?"

I don't know how to answer that.

What's settled in? What is "rasa serasi/nyaman" (feeling comfortable)? How do we define that? I can't even begin to scratch the surface. It's not a yes or no question, right? It goes much deeper than that. Do you have an hour for me to rant?

I've always said that I'm very privileged to be able to do this. I have a supportive partner, I'm not escaping war, I can speak some of the language, I would have done just fine living in Singapore. I might have struggled, but nothing I can't handle. If I was asked to go back to where I came from by the Racists^TM, I'd say, for sure.

However, moving has given me perspectives that I would have never experienced otherwise, and I'm glad I did it.

It does come with its own set of difficulties, though. I was already grappling with a lot of self-doubt and identity crisis back in Singapore and moving just added on to that. (Cues the omg so woke wow identity crisis wow psychological shit) Who am I? What do I want in my life? What would make me happy? Am I... a loser?

But seriously, I had to relearn how to live. When you move out of your parents home to a neighbourhood 20km away, in the same country, you're still going to find things to grapple with. It's exciting, sure, but it also means you have to assume a new identity ("I live in the West now teehee") and leave behind your old identity ("wah cannot go get supper at Simpang Bedok randomly"). Imagine that but 150 times more. New country, new city, new laws, new language. It's A LOT. I miss maggie goreng mamak from Enak-Enak at Simpang Bedok. What the heck. Now I have a craving. Geez.

Plus, I still need my husband to translate things for me or speak on my behalf for official matters. I can practice the things I want to say in my head for a thousand time, but I may not necessarily understand the responses. And I need to understand the responses because these are administrative tasks that involve my life (and my status in the country...)

I'm too scared to drive even though I have a Class 3 license because the traffic goes in a different direction, there are way too many roundabouts and I wasn't even a great driver back in Singapore (where I drove an AUTOMATIC CAR).

So my options for traveling alone are limited to taking public transport. Which isn't so bad, considering I still live in an urban city with a functioning public transport system. I once told my husband that I wouldn't have married him if he asked me to move to a countryside village, tempting as it is. I talk a lot about wanting to live in a village but I know I won't survive beyond 7 days. Imagine missing a bus and having to wait another hour, or having to take a car everywhere.

On the positive side, there are little things that indicate that I'm going the right way.

I'm able to point out where places are relative to other landmarks in the way that I can tell you KKV is near Baskin Robbins at B1, the same floor as Uniqlo, in Bedok Mall - and I HOPE IT'S STILL THERE!! Most times, I let my feet carry me to a place while I mindlessly enjoy a whole podcast and look at the trees and buildings (#Flâneuselife) and I can only do those things because I made it a point to familiarise myself to the city and our neighbourhood within the first 3 months of moving here. (Please don't ask me to go to Tourcoing.)

Recently, I made the effort to get a pair of pants exchanged. Normally, I would have just pretended that it didn't exist anymore and let it hang in the back of my wardrobe until the next time I do a closet purge and then I go online and complain about the amount of clothes I have because CAPITALISM OVERCONSUMPTION HOW DARE I. Of course, my very french husband said I have the right as a consumer to go and change the pants since it's within a month after purchase, the tags were still intact and I had only worn it once to try it on (please, I was too lazy to go take my pants off and try it on in-store, okay. It's winter and I have too many layers on to be doing this!!)

Monsieur, I don't want to inconvenience people, even if it's their job. But I did it anyway. In French. Before leaving home, I asked my husband what I should say at the cashier. I practiced the phrase on the bus, like a mantra or a dzikir. I still scrambled with google translate as I was walking into the store, typing "I would like to make an exchange". My brain was so overwhelmed with anxiety, it got wiped clean.

It's "Je voudrais faire une échange, s'il vous plaît" - very useful phrase to learn, ok. Just in case anyone ever needed it.

And on the topic of "feeling nyaman", it comes with creating and building relationships with other people (other than my husband). And that comes with language barrier too, considering my in-laws don't speak a lick of English. But at least, these days, my mother-in-law isn't turning to my husband every time I end a sentence to ask what I just said. She helps to fill in the gaps when I can't find a word, which is very sweet of her. Like most people in Lille, she is very patient. They won't switch to English until I ask for it -

Pardonnez, excusez-moi mais je parle pas trop de français, est-ce que c'est possible de vous parlez en anglais, s'il vous plaît?

No really, the few times I had someone switching to English for me - UNSOLICITED - were in Paris, especially when I'm in the middle of processing a question and they repeat the question in English. DUDE LET ME THINK!!!

I'm so glad I didn't move to Paris. My level of french would have stagnated, and I'd had done all this work for nothing.

So have I settled in? I don't know. Ask me again in 3 months.