The Stress of Time Freedom

The sweltering heat outside registered 32°C. I fought the urge to close my eyes by trying another Duolingo level. The gentle breeze from the ceiling fan above me cooled my head and the fan's motion was hypnotic. I set the timer for 30 minutes on my smartwatch. I will take a nap for that long and then I'll do something useful with my life afterwards.

Famous Last Words™.

Not all freedoms are good. Time Freedom is one of those surprisingly stressful ones and I didn't realise it until I read Khe Hy's article on it and then experienced it for myself when I quit my job.

One aspect is, obviously, guilt. Guilty that I'm not functioning like everyone else. Guilty that I have all this time yet I'm not doing anything "productive". Guilty that I could l do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to (within my means). Guilty that I'm wasting away my youth on... nothing.

When I was arguing with myself about quitting my job, I looked up things I could do for free in Singapore. To my surprise, there were many. I could hang out at the library and read books, magazines and newspapers, and even catch a seasonal movie or attend an event. Museums are free to me, as a Singaporean. I have a subscription to Spotify. Youtube is free. I write on Google Docs which is - surprise! - free.

In other words, I have many things I could be doing yet I chose take a nap on a Tuesday afternoon. And I think it comes from what I understand as a paradox of choice popularised by Barry Shwartz, in which the freedom of choice has led us to dissatisfaction rather than happiness as expected.

I've been listening to the Time Management for Mortals series by Oliver Burkeman on the Waking Up app (an application for discovering meditation and more, I highly recommend it. Free 30-day trial here).

In the first chapter of the series called Finitude, Burkeman spoke about the idea of being aware of the finite time we have on earth.

Every decision to spend a portion of time on one thing, is a decision not spend it on a million other things instead.

It really struck me because it expands on the idea of Paradox of Choice, because the essence of it is that there are a million things we can do on this planet, but not enough time to do them. Which for me, ends up leading me to be paralysed by the choices. Because if I do this thing, then what about all the other things that could be a better use of my time?

I've come to the conclusion that the solution is to accept the fact that our time on Earth is limited and that we will never know the answer to the what-ifs. There is no point wrangling my hair in anxiety because my current reality is my reality, and the alternative does not exist. Everything will pass, even myself.

And if it means I lose out on something because I chose to take a nap on a Tuesday afternoon, so be it.